"Any warrior could become a man of knowledge. As I told you, a warrior is an impeccable hunter that hunts power. If he succeeds in his hunting he can be a man of knowledge."
"To seek the perfectin of the warrior's spirit is the only task worthy of our [humanity]." Everything else is death, which is nothing. (Journey to Ixtlan by Carlos Castaneda)
To live as a warrior means to be conscious, fearless, impeccable.
Here's the thing:
If I were talking to don Juan, he would say that I care too much what others think of me. I'm too needy for the company of other people. I should be comfortable with my own company.
But the fact is, one can become too comfortable with one's own company. It becomes a defense mechanism, a way of cutting oneslef off from others so as not to feel anything, especially to avoid feeling what's at the core, which is fear.
One can feign detachment, but in truth, it's just a protective shield against feeling anything. That protective shield then becomes a prison.
If you are truly comfortable in the company of others -- in other words, there's no self-consciousness or fear of rejection, then you're free of self-importance and self-reflection. You're also free of neediness because you're connected to a feeling of abundance. Then you feel at ease whether you're alone or with others.
So my "problem" isn't that I need to become more comfortable with my own company. I'm so comfortable with my company that it's become a defensive shield and a prison of fear. What I need is the opposite: instead of getting comfortable with my own company, I need to get comfortable being around other people.
I chose to spend the summer here as a way of forcing myself out of familiar, comfortable rountines. Those routines become ruts that get deeper and deeper over time until it becomes impossible to see over the walls and I may forget there are other ways of being.
But I am discovering that simply changing locations is not enough on its own to catapult me out of old ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving. However, it does make them easier to see.
The challenge now is to isolate the things that are most difficult for me to do and force myself to do them. Basically what I'm doing this summer is stalking myself.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
What We Did Yesterday
1) At breakfast/lunch
2) Took the Tube to Piccadilly Circus
3) Visited a 5-story bookstore. Sarina bought 4 books. I bought Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates
4) Went to the National Portrait Gallery
5) Took Charing Cross Tube to Westminster
6) Saw Big Ben, Houses of Parliament, Westminster Abbey
7) Walked over to the Victoria Tower Gardens; walked along the Thames path to the Tate Britain
8) Visited the Tate Britain
9) Walked through Bessborough Gardens to Pimlico station (saw another library!)
10) Took Tube to St. Pancras station
11) Went to British library to use the interest
12) Stopped by Subway on the way home for a sub sandwich (it’s not English, but it’s cheap!)
13) Went home and ate dinner, showered, read, fell asleep
14) I’m now posting pictures at www.EvonDavis.com/VirtualTravelingLondon.htm because the format is much easier than posting pictures in my blog.
2) Took the Tube to Piccadilly Circus
3) Visited a 5-story bookstore. Sarina bought 4 books. I bought Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates
4) Went to the National Portrait Gallery
5) Took Charing Cross Tube to Westminster
6) Saw Big Ben, Houses of Parliament, Westminster Abbey
7) Walked over to the Victoria Tower Gardens; walked along the Thames path to the Tate Britain
8) Visited the Tate Britain
9) Walked through Bessborough Gardens to Pimlico station (saw another library!)
10) Took Tube to St. Pancras station
11) Went to British library to use the interest
12) Stopped by Subway on the way home for a sub sandwich (it’s not English, but it’s cheap!)
13) Went home and ate dinner, showered, read, fell asleep
14) I’m now posting pictures at www.EvonDavis.com/VirtualTravelingLondon.htm because the format is much easier than posting pictures in my blog.
How Death Becomes a Friend and Advisor
This morning, I got up at 6:00am. First order of business: drink coffee and read. I finished Tales of Power yesterday, so have picked up Journey to Ixtlan this morning and am looking forward to reading it. Here we learn that the warrior is one who is “without routines, free, fluid, unpredictable.”
Don Juan says, “For me the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must assume responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a short while; in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it.”
One of the major teachings of don Juan is to make Death your friend and advisor. If you really knew that you could die at any moment, you would probably live differently. You would live more in the moment, an experience which is difficult to describe, but you recognize it when you are there.
Yesterday, at Waterstone’s I picked up a copy of Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates. When I saw the film this past winter, it had a profound effect on me. At the time, I already knew I would leave CBS and spend 2 months in Europe this summer, but it was very vague and wispy, more a fantasy than an actual plan. Seeing the film was like putting rocket fuel in my tank. At that moment, I knew I had to go. I heard the imperative, “Change or die!”
I was already dying. My insides had become black and corroded, sticky and sickening like something rotting. I couldn’t eat for days at a time. Over the course of two months, I lost 15 pounds (and I was already thin). I would sit at my desk at CBS, being so agitated that I was literally pulling my hair out.
My only relief from the boredom was writing to a friend in England and dreaming of my escape into a better, happier life where I actually came alive -- fully alive. But that behavior was a form of escape, and just like any other form of escape, it wasn’t really living; it was an addiction.
I worked amongst people who complained constantly abut their jobs and their lives, and yet they were terrified of leaving their little shithouses.
I saw Revolutionary Road five times in the theater and then bought the book and read it. Each encounter fueled my courage and passion to turn the dream into a reality, to leave the slow corrosive, rotting death and come fully alive.
Then came the decision to leave. I had already chosen my date to give notice and it took all my willpower to continue showing up every day. Then the magic happened. (“When you finally commit, Providence moves too.”) On the morning of Friday, February 27th, 2009, I won the layoff lottery. I was so thrilled, so excited, so happy! I wanted to jump for joy. But of course, that’s not considered socially appropriate behavior, so I had to tone it down a bit.
I didn’t pretend to be sad, I just said to my (clueless) consoling coworkers, “Ah, it’s okay. I’ll be fine. I always land on my feet. Better me than someone who truly sees this as a career, which I never did.”
As soon as I was out the door, around the corner, and a block away, I called my friend David to tell him that my wish had come true. I had finally been liberated, given a lovely severance package, and was dancing in the streets!
Now here I am in London, living my life as an adventure, feeling fully alive, while my former coworkers spend the summer trapped in their sunless, windowless cubicles, getting older and fatter, continuing their endless stream of complaining and fear-mongering. They have already given in to Death.
Don Juan says, “For me the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must assume responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a short while; in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it.”
One of the major teachings of don Juan is to make Death your friend and advisor. If you really knew that you could die at any moment, you would probably live differently. You would live more in the moment, an experience which is difficult to describe, but you recognize it when you are there.
Yesterday, at Waterstone’s I picked up a copy of Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates. When I saw the film this past winter, it had a profound effect on me. At the time, I already knew I would leave CBS and spend 2 months in Europe this summer, but it was very vague and wispy, more a fantasy than an actual plan. Seeing the film was like putting rocket fuel in my tank. At that moment, I knew I had to go. I heard the imperative, “Change or die!”
I was already dying. My insides had become black and corroded, sticky and sickening like something rotting. I couldn’t eat for days at a time. Over the course of two months, I lost 15 pounds (and I was already thin). I would sit at my desk at CBS, being so agitated that I was literally pulling my hair out.
My only relief from the boredom was writing to a friend in England and dreaming of my escape into a better, happier life where I actually came alive -- fully alive. But that behavior was a form of escape, and just like any other form of escape, it wasn’t really living; it was an addiction.
I worked amongst people who complained constantly abut their jobs and their lives, and yet they were terrified of leaving their little shithouses.
I saw Revolutionary Road five times in the theater and then bought the book and read it. Each encounter fueled my courage and passion to turn the dream into a reality, to leave the slow corrosive, rotting death and come fully alive.
Then came the decision to leave. I had already chosen my date to give notice and it took all my willpower to continue showing up every day. Then the magic happened. (“When you finally commit, Providence moves too.”) On the morning of Friday, February 27th, 2009, I won the layoff lottery. I was so thrilled, so excited, so happy! I wanted to jump for joy. But of course, that’s not considered socially appropriate behavior, so I had to tone it down a bit.
I didn’t pretend to be sad, I just said to my (clueless) consoling coworkers, “Ah, it’s okay. I’ll be fine. I always land on my feet. Better me than someone who truly sees this as a career, which I never did.”
As soon as I was out the door, around the corner, and a block away, I called my friend David to tell him that my wish had come true. I had finally been liberated, given a lovely severance package, and was dancing in the streets!
Now here I am in London, living my life as an adventure, feeling fully alive, while my former coworkers spend the summer trapped in their sunless, windowless cubicles, getting older and fatter, continuing their endless stream of complaining and fear-mongering. They have already given in to Death.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Pictures (finally!)
Sarina waiting for the train in Dublin. She was such a trooper the way she carried her backpack and never compained, even when she was tired and hungry.
We took the Dart to Dun Lunghaire. I liked it better than Dublin. We bought lunch and ate in a quiet courtyard.
Then we found a place on the grass to lie down and take a short nap before we caught the ferry to Holyhead, Wales.
The Fool's Journey
London is beginning to work its magic on me. I'm slowly transforming into the Fool. I'm more in the present tense than I've felt in a long time. The wonderful thing about the Fool is that sh'es very playful. Meeting The Challenges and Being in the Moment are her games.
On Monday we rode the Tube to King's Cross Station, ate breakfast at Pret a Mange, visited two bookstores, found a real library (the British library isn't a real library; it's more like a museum); went to the British library to use the internet; ate lunch at Pret a Mange (way too expensive; spent about $23!).
Then we rode the Tube to Victoria Station, walked to Buckingham Palace, took lots of pictures; visited the Victoria Memorial fountain in front of the palace, walked along the Mall (like in DC) to Trafalgar Square, visited the National Gallery, and went by the Horse Guards.
Then we walked from Saint James Park all the way to Kensington Gardens, then went home and ate dinner. Afterward, went shopping at Boots and Tesco, then passed out from exhaustion.
On Monday we rode the Tube to King's Cross Station, ate breakfast at Pret a Mange, visited two bookstores, found a real library (the British library isn't a real library; it's more like a museum); went to the British library to use the internet; ate lunch at Pret a Mange (way too expensive; spent about $23!).
Then we rode the Tube to Victoria Station, walked to Buckingham Palace, took lots of pictures; visited the Victoria Memorial fountain in front of the palace, walked along the Mall (like in DC) to Trafalgar Square, visited the National Gallery, and went by the Horse Guards.
Then we walked from Saint James Park all the way to Kensington Gardens, then went home and ate dinner. Afterward, went shopping at Boots and Tesco, then passed out from exhaustion.
Three Techniques for Expanding Perception
Don Juan "explained that disrupting routines, the gait of power, and not-doing were avenues for learning new ways fo perceiving the world, and that they gave a warrior an inkling of incredible possibilities of action." Tales of Power by Carlos Castaneda
Not-doing consists of a perceptual game of focusing attention on features of the world that are ordinarily overlooked, such as the shadows of things.
I came to the UK because I had a very strong feeling of being stuck. I needed to change the way I perceived things by disrupting my routines. This has a powerful effect on many different levels. For those people who prefer to have things explained in terms of the rational/material world, think of the effect it has on the brain when you stop following the same patterns and are forced to confront the unknown. Many established neural pathways will begin to disentegrate and new pathways will begin to form. By forcing the brain to grow new neural networks, it keeps the brain pliable and reinforces the ability to adapt and think creatively.
Not-doing consists of a perceptual game of focusing attention on features of the world that are ordinarily overlooked, such as the shadows of things.
I came to the UK because I had a very strong feeling of being stuck. I needed to change the way I perceived things by disrupting my routines. This has a powerful effect on many different levels. For those people who prefer to have things explained in terms of the rational/material world, think of the effect it has on the brain when you stop following the same patterns and are forced to confront the unknown. Many established neural pathways will begin to disentegrate and new pathways will begin to form. By forcing the brain to grow new neural networks, it keeps the brain pliable and reinforces the ability to adapt and think creatively.
Having to Believe
“A warrior must be fluid and must shift harmoniously with the world around him, whether it is the world of reason, or the world of will.”
“The most dangerous aspect of that shifting comes forth every time the warrior finds that the world is neither one nor the other…. The only way to succeed in that crucial shifting is by proceeding in one’s actings as if one believed…. A warrior, whenever he has to involve himself with believing, does it as a choice, as an expression of his innermost predilection. A warrior doesn’t just believe, a warrior has to believe.
“Having to believe that the world is mysterious and unfathomable was the expression of a warrior’s innermost predilection. Without it, he had nothing.” Tales of Power by Carlos Castaneda
As a friend said, "You have to believe your Europe trip is the next step in your unfoldment. Anyone who walks deliberately into the unknown has to believe in the path they are on or the will falter and succumb to fear." I have no doubt the world is mysterious and unfathomable.
“The most dangerous aspect of that shifting comes forth every time the warrior finds that the world is neither one nor the other…. The only way to succeed in that crucial shifting is by proceeding in one’s actings as if one believed…. A warrior, whenever he has to involve himself with believing, does it as a choice, as an expression of his innermost predilection. A warrior doesn’t just believe, a warrior has to believe.
“Having to believe that the world is mysterious and unfathomable was the expression of a warrior’s innermost predilection. Without it, he had nothing.” Tales of Power by Carlos Castaneda
As a friend said, "You have to believe your Europe trip is the next step in your unfoldment. Anyone who walks deliberately into the unknown has to believe in the path they are on or the will falter and succumb to fear." I have no doubt the world is mysterious and unfathomable.
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