Discipline

That seems to be the word for the day... and how important it is. Can you imagine a warrior-goddess who wasn't disciplined? I can't.

There are so many different forms of discipline and I think we could benefit from learning as many of them as possible. Although the other side of discipline to consider is that it requires focus. I would even say that's part of the definition. Being undisciplined means being scattered and fragmented, lacking focus and integrity.

You have to know what's important to you and stick with it on a daily basis. That's part of what blogging is about. So today, I'm thinking about whether or not I have the right kind and right amount of discipline in my life.

Discipline is also about structure. It provides boundaries which at the same time, creates true freedom because the choices we make about our discipline and structure are made consciously. Unconsciousness is slavery, not freedom.

One of the things I do is keep a journal and a daily task list. The difficult part is making sure I accomplish all the tasks on my list. It looks like I started with 16 items on my list and I've managed to complete 7 by 1:00pm, along with some reading this morning, and eating lunch. 9 to go!

Into the Fire

I knew that when I returned to Denver, that's when I would have to do the really difficult work of transformation. Now I can feel myself standing at the edge of the abyss, ready to fall, ready to die (that's ego death, not physical death), and I am terrified.

And yet, how can I run away from it? I don't think I have any escape routes left. I know that I am entering an initiatory process.

The zen instructor told me to empty myself out completely. Isn't this what I've been asking for? I asked to be transformed on November 27th. I've been actively trying to change my life for the past year. I keep saying I want to have an initiatory experience. I said I wished I had a don Juan (Carlos Castaneda's teacher) who would come into my life and tell me what to do to become free. Well, I got what I asked for. His name is Doshin.

But now that I'm facing it for real, I'm terrified. I can see that I've moved really deeply into my shadows, but I've been dancing around the edge of the abyss, doing everything I can to look away, distract myself, and avoid it. I'm not sure I can any longer.

I have to strip away everything -- my defenses, my masks -- and then when I have completely exposed myself -- all my shame, all my self-hatred, all my craziness -- and my ego dies, then I'll be free because there won't be anything left to fear. The worst will have all ready happened.

If you think I'm crazy, needy, self-absorbed, narcissistic, neurotic -- I'm all those things -- but the only way I can truly transcend all this crap that constantly sabotages me is to go completely into it. Dive into the abyss, burn in the fire, and be done with it once and for all.

What I'm Learning

It's been a month since I last posted and I've learned a lot over the course of a month, not to mention traveled a bit. I'm learning about loneliness. I'm observing how I struggle endlessly with my own cravings. I'm learning about frustration by observing it in myself.

I told myself I wanted something different and I was determined to be disciplined and not run away from my fears. My mind is so tricky though. I say, "Move toward what scares you most," but the mind is tricky, and I'm not always sure I'm moving toward what scares me most, or distracting myself with red herrings.

So I'm trying a different tact. Instead of telling myself to move toward what scares me most, I say, "Do what you've never done before."

With this in mind, I began to open up to new opportunities that presented themselves. One was to attend Zen meditation on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. I've decided to commit myself to this practice and see where it will lead me. It's different than anything I've done before.

Of course, I've meditated and I know a few things about Buddhism. But truly committing myself to sitting and completely emptying out is different than using it as anxiety control, then going back to my addictive mental chattering.

My mind is still chattering, but now I've committed myself to not following through on its manipulative schemes.... as much as I would love to. I've made a public vow here, so we'll see if I can walk the walk and not just talk.

Hello from Tintagel

We went to Tintagel today, but to be honest, we're both exhausted. We've been camping... will be 10 days by the time we leave on Monday, but it's been cold and rainy most of the time and can't deal with this country anymore so when we get back to London we're going to head off to Paris and travel around France. I don't see the point in staying in the UK. It's cold, gray, wet, rainy, expensive. I've seen the big stuff.

I've definitely clarified my path. I write in my journal every day, wish I could post on my blog more often and write more emails, but it costs $1.00 for 10 minutes of internet time here. That's right $6.00 per hour. I'll write more when we get to London where it's cheaper to use the internet.

Pictures of Carlyon Bay

Sarina at the bus stop at Carlyon Bay.

Posting Pictures

Notting Hill

Portobello Road Market

British Museum

St. Austell, Carlyon Bay, and Eden Project

We're in St. Austell now, staying at a campsite just a few minutes walk from the beach at Carlyon Bay. We arrived on Friday around 2:oopm. I was a little worried when we arrived in St. Austell because it was raining. I had printed out maps thinking we would walk to the campsite. I won't even go into the foolishness of that idea. So there we were, standing in the rain, no clue what to do or which direction to go in. I was feeling in dispair, but Sarina was smiling and enjoying the whole experience, so I thought perhaps it's not so bad after all.

There was a bus stop at the train station, so I asked which bus we should take to the campsite, but when I saw a taxi pulled up, I decided to take a taxi instead. He took us straight to the reception desk at the campsite. It was still raining when we checked in, but it only cost £10 pounds per night (that's about $17). We left our luggage under the canopy while setting up the tent. It was only a light misty rain and wasn't a problem. Once the tent was set up, we moved our luggage in. It's small, but it serves it's purpose and it's cheap! The campsite has lots of amenities: showers, cafe, a tiny grocery store, laundry room, swimming pool, putt-putt golf. There's a beach nearby.

I was feeling lonely while in London. But I think it was more about the environment. London was interesting, but the asphalt, concrete, and air pollution were taking their toll on me. After three and a half weeks in London, I needed to connect with nature and breathe fresh air.

I feel better now that we're out of the city and staying in the countryside. It's lush and the air is fresh and clean. I like sleeping on the ground, hearing the rain patter on the tent at night and the birds singing in the morning. We're so close to the beach that at night when everything is quite, I can actually hear the waves crashing against the shore.

From here on out, I think I'll stay out of the cities as much as possible, except maybe Edinburgh and Glasgow. But to be honest, I'm beginning to wonder about this cold climate. I mean come on, it's July and some days I'm wearing two turtlenecks, a hoodie, and an anorak. Do I really want to go further north? I don't know. I am curious to see Scotland... so we'll see.... or we may go south into continental europe if I'm feeling really adventurous.

We went to Eden Project on Saturday. It's a beautiful place. Wish I were rich, I'd build little Edens all over the place that people could actually live in. It's so amazing inside the tropical biodome. There's a small wooden house with a loft. It's got a bedroom, livingroom, just like a real house. I'd love to live in that house.

Here's a summary: We went to Eden Project on Saturday, went to the beach on Sunday. Monday and Tuesday we walked into town (3 miles one way) to use the computers at the library. Today we might take the bus or train roundtrip to Newquay.

Internal Struggles

I told a friend recently that happiness was not my primary goal, but I feel like I'm really struggling today because actually I do want to be happy; it's just that I don't know what it is that will make me happy.... or maybe I do, but I never seem to be the lucky winner of that lottery, or perhaps I sabotage myself in hidden ways. Who knows?

Part of me just wants to return home, part of me wants to escape my own mind.

I don't have much to say today because I think I'm feeling a little depressed. I'm definitely ready to leave London. It's been an interesting experience, but it's turned cold and gray lately and I'm tired of being here. Where do I want to be? Anywhere that I can leave my brain behind. My brain seems to always want to focus on the negative, sad, annoying, bothersome things, and what's missing in my life instead of focusing on the positive.

I think I'd better go back and read all those Castaneda books again. I've already forgotten how to be a warrior!

I guess we're leaving London tomorrow. Haven't run into any obstacles or reasons to change that plan, though I am a little concerned about the weather. I hope it will be warm when we go to Cornwall to hike and camp. Or maybe I'll find beautiful places to hike and won't be bothered by a little chill in the air.

The Art Of Stalking

In The Eagle's Gift, Castaneda is training in stalking by a warrior named Florinda. This is where we receive the most specific details on the art of stalking.

There are 7 principles:

1) The warrior always chooses her battleground.
2) A warrior discards everything that is unnecessary (fear, ego, self-importance, possessions).
3) A warrior must be ready and willing to make her last stand her and now. Treat each decision, each moment, as if it were the last decision of your life.
4) Abandon yourself and fear nothing.
5) When faced with odds that cannot be dealt with, warriors retreat for a moment.
6) Warriors use time wisely.
7) Warriors use controlled folly once they have mastered the other principles.

There are 3 precepts of the Rule:

1) Everything that surrounds us is an unfathomable mystery.
2) We mut try to unravel these mysteries, but without ever hoping to accomplish this.
3) A warrior, aware of the unfathomable mystery that surrounds her and aware of her duty to try to unravel it, takes her rightful place among mysteries and regards herself as one.

Florinda lays out the precepts, though I think we actually learn more about stalking from some of Castaneda's other book when we see it in action. Even then, it still requires the use of intuition to understand what stalking is and how to use it in a practical way.

As an example, I have stated that I want to conquer all my fears, and also that I want to be more sociable and gregarious. So one of the things I decided to do was join a few meetup groups in London. Yesterday I attended a tarot group meeting.

Now for some people who are naturally extroverted this would be nothing. But for me, one who is introverted, I really have to push myself to be more out-going. I could very easily say to myself, I can't be bothered. But the whole point is to push myself out of my comfort zones. Enjoying my own company is easy and comfortable for me.

Going to the effort of joining a group, buying a deck of tarot cards, and showing up at the meeting in order to socialize with women I will probably only meet one time... it would be easy not to bother, but I know that's just my own fear and laziness and I can always find excuses not to be sociable. What I need to do is push myself to do the opposite of what comes naturally so as to expand my options.

One can see this as a practical example of stalking. I've chosen my battleground. I'll let go of what's unnecessary (fear, expectations, laziness, critical and judmental thoughts), and I will enter the mysterious unknown. What actually comes of it is less important than the simple fact that I made the effort.

Each time I make the effort, it will become easier and more natural to me. In that way, I can balance the introvert and extrovert within me so that they serve me rather than hinder me. That's an example of stalking.

In fact, coming to London in the first place was an example of stalking. There were many reasons why I wanted to come here, but one of them was because I was afraid of it.

In the summer of 1996, I actually had a ticket to fly to London from France. I was expecting Marian to be with me, but she canceled her trip to Europe. Instead of traveling by myself, I returned to the ticket for a refund and flew back to Denver. That was pure fear in the driver's seat.

For years I wanted to visit England and I waited patiently for Tom to invite me. Now I look at that and wonder why I put him in charge.

Answer: Fear.

Finally I reached a threshold in my lfie over the past year and I realized that putting fear in the driver's seat is counter-productive. So I resolved that 2009 would be the year of no fear. I wanted to see what life would be like if I lived without fear.

Choosing the warrior-goddess archetype to guide me and form the mythology of my life is an example of stalking and controlled folly. On the one hand it's very serious. There is no doubt it will change my life, but on the other hand, it's pure playfulness. There is a strategy behind the playfulness. That is controlled folly.

A Warrior's Work

We have settled into life as two residents of London. We've got a flat, a phone, an Oyster card (to ride the Tube), and a library card. But the warrior's work is never done. Now I have to challenge myself again.

One challenge came on its own: My computer got a virus and can't connect to the internet anymore, so now I have to go to internet cafes. I was upset (not excessively), but then I remember that a warrior is unfazed by such things. I'm free and fluid.... ah yeah.... that's right.

As I mentioned yesterday, my latest plan is to go down to Cornwall in the southwest of England. There is a place called the Eden Project that I've been reading about and would like to visit, then we could do some hiking and camping, but I have to do a ton of research on the train system, campsites, and such in order to figure out how to do this and do it within my budget. So I've got my challenge! Furthermore, I have to shed the electronic accoutriments: computer, camera, etc.

A Warrior's To-Do List

Well, I'm 2 weeks into the next step in my unfoldment and I still feel like a hopelessly confused mess. I ask myself, what is it that I want? I want to be a warrior. Although I think I'm not very good at it. I think what I'm trying to do is erase my hard drive, so to speak, but how?

I like the idea of going to Eden, http://www.edenproject.com/, and then hiking and camping along the southwest coastal path, http://www.southwestcoastalpath.co.uk/,but I need to do more research on the trains. I don't understand how we get around on the trains or how much it costs. Right now I'm spending £32 per day on housing and underground. So if I spend less on housing by camping (let's say £16 per day) that leaves £16 per day for trains and buses (£112 per week), but I have no idea what that means in terms of how far we can travel, how many days, etc. So I gotta do some research.

Here's a list I came up with about what I'm supposed to be doing here:

1) Washing away the past
2) Breaking out of old patterns
3) Challenging myself
4) Becoming a warrior
5) Trusting the Spirit to guide me
6) Learning to make decisions and stick with them
7) Developing unbending intent
8) Learning to trust my intuition
9) Reading the Castaneda books, learn as much as I can from them, and put the principles into practice
10) Turning off the internal dialogue
11) Doing some free-writing every day
12) Conquer all my fears

Stalking Myself

"Any warrior could become a man of knowledge. As I told you, a warrior is an impeccable hunter that hunts power. If he succeeds in his hunting he can be a man of knowledge."

"To seek the perfectin of the warrior's spirit is the only task worthy of our [humanity]." Everything else is death, which is nothing. (Journey to Ixtlan by Carlos Castaneda)

To live as a warrior means to be conscious, fearless, impeccable.

Here's the thing:

If I were talking to don Juan, he would say that I care too much what others think of me. I'm too needy for the company of other people. I should be comfortable with my own company.

But the fact is, one can become too comfortable with one's own company. It becomes a defense mechanism, a way of cutting oneslef off from others so as not to feel anything, especially to avoid feeling what's at the core, which is fear.

One can feign detachment, but in truth, it's just a protective shield against feeling anything. That protective shield then becomes a prison.

If you are truly comfortable in the company of others -- in other words, there's no self-consciousness or fear of rejection, then you're free of self-importance and self-reflection. You're also free of neediness because you're connected to a feeling of abundance. Then you feel at ease whether you're alone or with others.

So my "problem" isn't that I need to become more comfortable with my own company. I'm so comfortable with my company that it's become a defensive shield and a prison of fear. What I need is the opposite: instead of getting comfortable with my own company, I need to get comfortable being around other people.

I chose to spend the summer here as a way of forcing myself out of familiar, comfortable rountines. Those routines become ruts that get deeper and deeper over time until it becomes impossible to see over the walls and I may forget there are other ways of being.

But I am discovering that simply changing locations is not enough on its own to catapult me out of old ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving. However, it does make them easier to see.

The challenge now is to isolate the things that are most difficult for me to do and force myself to do them. Basically what I'm doing this summer is stalking myself.

What We Did Yesterday

1) At breakfast/lunch
2) Took the Tube to Piccadilly Circus
3) Visited a 5-story bookstore. Sarina bought 4 books. I bought Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates
4) Went to the National Portrait Gallery
5) Took Charing Cross Tube to Westminster
6) Saw Big Ben, Houses of Parliament, Westminster Abbey
7) Walked over to the Victoria Tower Gardens; walked along the Thames path to the Tate Britain
8) Visited the Tate Britain
9) Walked through Bessborough Gardens to Pimlico station (saw another library!)
10) Took Tube to St. Pancras station
11) Went to British library to use the interest
12) Stopped by Subway on the way home for a sub sandwich (it’s not English, but it’s cheap!)
13) Went home and ate dinner, showered, read, fell asleep
14) I’m now posting pictures at www.EvonDavis.com/VirtualTravelingLondon.htm because the format is much easier than posting pictures in my blog.

How Death Becomes a Friend and Advisor

This morning, I got up at 6:00am. First order of business: drink coffee and read. I finished Tales of Power yesterday, so have picked up Journey to Ixtlan this morning and am looking forward to reading it. Here we learn that the warrior is one who is “without routines, free, fluid, unpredictable.”

Don Juan says, “For me the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must assume responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a short while; in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it.”

One of the major teachings of don Juan is to make Death your friend and advisor. If you really knew that you could die at any moment, you would probably live differently. You would live more in the moment, an experience which is difficult to describe, but you recognize it when you are there.

Yesterday, at Waterstone’s I picked up a copy of Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates. When I saw the film this past winter, it had a profound effect on me. At the time, I already knew I would leave CBS and spend 2 months in Europe this summer, but it was very vague and wispy, more a fantasy than an actual plan. Seeing the film was like putting rocket fuel in my tank. At that moment, I knew I had to go. I heard the imperative, “Change or die!”

I was already dying. My insides had become black and corroded, sticky and sickening like something rotting. I couldn’t eat for days at a time. Over the course of two months, I lost 15 pounds (and I was already thin). I would sit at my desk at CBS, being so agitated that I was literally pulling my hair out.

My only relief from the boredom was writing to a friend in England and dreaming of my escape into a better, happier life where I actually came alive -- fully alive. But that behavior was a form of escape, and just like any other form of escape, it wasn’t really living; it was an addiction.
I worked amongst people who complained constantly abut their jobs and their lives, and yet they were terrified of leaving their little shithouses.

I saw Revolutionary Road five times in the theater and then bought the book and read it. Each encounter fueled my courage and passion to turn the dream into a reality, to leave the slow corrosive, rotting death and come fully alive.

Then came the decision to leave. I had already chosen my date to give notice and it took all my willpower to continue showing up every day. Then the magic happened. (“When you finally commit, Providence moves too.”) On the morning of Friday, February 27th, 2009, I won the layoff lottery. I was so thrilled, so excited, so happy! I wanted to jump for joy. But of course, that’s not considered socially appropriate behavior, so I had to tone it down a bit.

I didn’t pretend to be sad, I just said to my (clueless) consoling coworkers, “Ah, it’s okay. I’ll be fine. I always land on my feet. Better me than someone who truly sees this as a career, which I never did.”

As soon as I was out the door, around the corner, and a block away, I called my friend David to tell him that my wish had come true. I had finally been liberated, given a lovely severance package, and was dancing in the streets!

Now here I am in London, living my life as an adventure, feeling fully alive, while my former coworkers spend the summer trapped in their sunless, windowless cubicles, getting older and fatter, continuing their endless stream of complaining and fear-mongering. They have already given in to Death.

Pictures (finally!)

Sarina waiting for the train in Dublin. She was such a trooper the way she carried her backpack and never compained, even when she was tired and hungry.

We took the Dart to Dun Lunghaire. I liked it better than Dublin. We bought lunch and ate in a quiet courtyard.

Then we found a place on the grass to lie down and take a short nap before we caught the ferry to Holyhead, Wales.

The Fool's Journey

London is beginning to work its magic on me. I'm slowly transforming into the Fool. I'm more in the present tense than I've felt in a long time. The wonderful thing about the Fool is that sh'es very playful. Meeting The Challenges and Being in the Moment are her games.

On Monday we rode the Tube to King's Cross Station, ate breakfast at Pret a Mange, visited two bookstores, found a real library (the British library isn't a real library; it's more like a museum); went to the British library to use the internet; ate lunch at Pret a Mange (way too expensive; spent about $23!).

Then we rode the Tube to Victoria Station, walked to Buckingham Palace, took lots of pictures; visited the Victoria Memorial fountain in front of the palace, walked along the Mall (like in DC) to Trafalgar Square, visited the National Gallery, and went by the Horse Guards.

Then we walked from Saint James Park all the way to Kensington Gardens, then went home and ate dinner. Afterward, went shopping at Boots and Tesco, then passed out from exhaustion.

Three Techniques for Expanding Perception

Don Juan "explained that disrupting routines, the gait of power, and not-doing were avenues for learning new ways fo perceiving the world, and that they gave a warrior an inkling of incredible possibilities of action." Tales of Power by Carlos Castaneda

Not-doing consists of a perceptual game of focusing attention on features of the world that are ordinarily overlooked, such as the shadows of things.

I came to the UK because I had a very strong feeling of being stuck. I needed to change the way I perceived things by disrupting my routines. This has a powerful effect on many different levels. For those people who prefer to have things explained in terms of the rational/material world, think of the effect it has on the brain when you stop following the same patterns and are forced to confront the unknown. Many established neural pathways will begin to disentegrate and new pathways will begin to form. By forcing the brain to grow new neural networks, it keeps the brain pliable and reinforces the ability to adapt and think creatively.

Having to Believe

“A warrior must be fluid and must shift harmoniously with the world around him, whether it is the world of reason, or the world of will.”

“The most dangerous aspect of that shifting comes forth every time the warrior finds that the world is neither one nor the other…. The only way to succeed in that crucial shifting is by proceeding in one’s actings as if one believed…. A warrior, whenever he has to involve himself with believing, does it as a choice, as an expression of his innermost predilection. A warrior doesn’t just believe, a warrior has to believe.

“Having to believe that the world is mysterious and unfathomable was the expression of a warrior’s innermost predilection. Without it, he had nothing.” Tales of Power by Carlos Castaneda

As a friend said, "You have to believe your Europe trip is the next step in your unfoldment. Anyone who walks deliberately into the unknown has to believe in the path they are on or the will falter and succumb to fear." I have no doubt the world is mysterious and unfathomable.

Update

Well, we got the flat in London, so our new address is:

Flat 5
42, Queensborough Terrace
Bayswater, London W2 3HS

We’ve become experts at riding the Tube. That’s what they call the Underground. We went to Kensington Gardens yesterday to hang out for a while. As I mentioned in an earlier post, it’s right at the end of our block. I was looking at a map this morning and can see that there is a massive green space in the center of London. It connects Kensington Gardens and Hyde Park to Green Park, Palace Gardens, and St. James Park.

On Friday, we went to Piccadilly Circus. It’s sort of like London’s Time Square. Nothing was happening except a lot of traffic. Not very interesting. We bought some lunch and walked over the St. James Park, sat in some chairs and ate a picnic lunch. I had no idea that we were at one end of that green space and would soon be living at the other end. We could literally walk from one end of it to the other and be home.

It’s absolutely massive. It’s like London’s Central Park, but even larger. My goal is to walk from the eastern-most tip in St. James Park to the western-most tip in Kensington Gardens (or go the other direction) and see how long it takes, then based on the idea that we probably walk 3 miles per hour, I’ll be able to figure out approximately how many miles across it is and will blow your minds when I tell you all.

Here’s a map of London: http://maps.google.co.uk/maps?hl=en&q=map+of+London&um=1&ie=UTF-8&split=0&gl=uk&ei=5Eg-Sre7Jp68jAe58NT6Dw&sa=X&oi=geocode_result&ct=image&resnum=1

We’ve got 13 things on our list of things to do in London, but will probably come up with a lot more. I’m also itching to get out of the city and do some camping, but haven’t yet sorted out what to do with all our stuff. It’s too much to carry. Of course I brought my own personal library with me. I might have to learn to embrace Kindle one day. Ugh!

Getting Back to "Normal"

I'm feeling like a fair lady today. So much of my energy was flowing toward meeting the basics of life that I didn't have time for things like brushing my hair, but I finally got caught up on the sleep i needed and today I was able to make myself look better when I went out in public.

I'm one day closer to renting a flat. We looked at it today. Simple accommodations, but it's a decent building in a decent neighborhood right next to Kensington Gardens and Hyde Park. In fact, the gardens and park are right at the end of the block we'd be living on. It's a price we can afford, less expensive than the hostel we're staying in, would give us privacy, has it's own bathroom and kitchen. I hope I can get it. I just need to get enough cash off the atm to pay for it. That's the one hitch in my plan -- the daily limit on cash withdrawal, so hopefully Providence is looking out for me and will help me get this place. The flat number is 5, which is the same as my last place. I take that as a good sign.

Right now we're at the British library, taking advantage of the free wireless. I'm starting to get hungry for lunch, so will work on getting food and cash for rent, then the rest of the day we can do some sight-seeing.

Two Weary Travelers

We're in London now, but we're both still exhausted. I'm just going to list everything we've done since Sunday.

Sunday we got completely moved out of the apartment and took care of remaining tasks, chores, and errands. Stayed at David's house.

We were both wired and slept horribly.

Monday morning got up early, went to Starbucks for coffee, took care of all last minute stuff before leaving for the airport. David took us to the airport. Caught the plane to Newark, NJ. Changed planes to Dublin. No sleep.

Tuesday morning arrived at Dublin airport, took the bus to the city center. We weren't impressed with Dublin. It felt to much like steel, cement, dirt, and trash. I was feeling nauseous. What am I doing here? Let's get out of here!

Took the train to Dun Laoghaire, a quaint little seaside town. Found a couple of oases where we could sit and eat a picnic lunch, then laid down on the ground and napped for a while. We both decided we'd rather go on to London than look for the Dublin campground.

So we got tickets on the ferry from Dun Laoghaire to Holyhead, Wales. Took the ferry, tried to nap on the ferry. From Holyhead, we took the train to London. While waiting for the first train, we found a little oasis called St. Cypri's Church. Laid down on the grass to relax for about 15 minutes, then back to the train station to catch the first train. Arrived in London a little after 9:00pm.

Took the Underground to St. Paul's to find a hostel. Wandered around hopelessly with a map, finally asked for directions, got a little closer but still couldn't find it. A very kind man saw us sometime close to 11:00pm staring at the map, our 40-pound packs on our back, looking bedraggled and he said, "Are you by chance looking for the hostel?"

"Yes!"

"Come this way."

"Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you."

Got to the hostel just before 11:00pm, then find out my debit card won't work and I have no cash, no money. The woman at the counter tries to run the card 6 times, but it still won't work. I get teary-eyed and say, "We have to sleep somewhere. I don't know why it's not working, but I can call the bank in the morning."

They let us stay if I let them hold my passport. Finally we haul ourselves up to the room, take a shower, crawl into bed. The nearly-endless day finally comes to an end.

Wednesday morning, we get up, go to breakfast. They had given us vouchers. I said, "Sarina, eat up, I have no money as of this moment, so this may be our last meal for a while."

Then I get an idea. I go to the atm and manage to pull out 10 pounds so I know the card still works. I'm guessing the problem was that I had accidentally ran out of money in the account. I got a half-hour of internet time at the hostel, made a balance transfer, and finally had money again. Paid for two nights and two breakfasts, so we're good to go.

First thing, we took the Underground to the British library, found out we can get free wireless, got on the computer to search for a flat in London. Sarina could barely hold her head up and I had a raging headache that wouldn't go away after 2000 miligrams of Tylenol. Was functioning on 50% brain capacity, so we decided to go back to the room and sleep. Slept for 4.5 hours.

Then went out again, got food for the evening. Ate while we walked. Found a store to buy a track phone. Our number is 07535602708.

Went back to the library, but it closed at 6:00pm. Took the Underground back to the hostel. Finished eating our dinner. I took a shower while Sarina got us an hour of wireless time. She's playing with our new phone while I write this blog.

That's brings us to the present moment.

Love y'all, but we're still both really tired.

Three Nearly-Endless Days

It's 7:47am on Wednesday morning. We're in London. I'm still exhausted, partly from jetlag and partly from the 3 nearly-endless days we've had. Challenges, challenges, challenges. But have managed to work them out so far. It got a little scary last night, but Providence was looking out for us and we found a lovely hostel to stay in. That's where we are right now.

I'm hoping to go to the British library today and get free internet access so I can write longer.

Will touch in later,
me and sarina

Freedom

"Two basic qualities of warriors: sustained effort and unbending intent." (page 194, The Fire From Within by Carlos Castaneda)

My intent is to study the works of Carlos Castaneda and live the principles to the best of my ability. The goal of the warrior is freedom. Although that word "freedom" seems a bit vague.

What is freedom? That is a concept I will explore as I write each entry. Right now I'm thinking of it in terms of freedom from the past. That means we become new in every moment. The past doesn't have to define who were are. We can learn from it, yet not be forced by conditioned patterns to continually repeat the same unconscious habitual behaviors.

Discipline, as in "sustained effort and unbending intent," is not the same thing as habit. Discipline is behavior we choose consciously; a habit is behavior we repeat unconciously. The difference for a warrior is that choosing consciously makes one free. Habits, or unconscious behaviors, are imprisoning.

The second area of my life where I am looking at the concept of freedom is my relationship with the material world. I've mentioned a few examples in earlier posts. Another way I've seen myself change over the years is in relationship to books. I used to collect books. They were part of my identity. I wanted people to see: "I'm the kind of person who reads a lot and I read intelligent books; therefore, I am an intelligent person."

But over time, I found myself moving around a lot. I got tired of packing and hauling my books all over the place. Plus, when I wanted to leave a soul-deadening job and follow my heart, I couldn't afford to fund my book habit so I gave it up and found that I could get more than enough information for free from the library and internet. So I stopped clinging and let the books flow through my lfie. It was incredibly liberating.

I've also stopped wasting energy caring whether or not people think I'm intelligent.

The Seven-Year Shedding of Snakeskin

This process I've been going through of moving out of my apartment has been an interesting one. The first thing I wanted to do was sell everything and pare my possessions down to what I could carry on my back. Partly it was a matter of practicality and money. I didn't want to pay rent on an apartment I wouldn't be living in, and I didn't want to spend a lot of money on storage.

This is the second time in my life I've gone through a phase of paring down my possessions like a snake shedding its skin. The first time was seven years ago, but that time was so difficult and painful. I agonized over the entire process. This time has been so much easier, even pleasureable. In fact, I couldn't make it happen fast enough. I was beginning to feel suffocated by my possessions.

The most interesting part for me is how easy it has been to let go of things -- especially when I find myself flinging bags and boxes of stuff I've held onto for 20-25 years, stuff from high school and college, like letters and cards. I can see it was a way of holding onto my identity.

"This is who I was in college. This is who I was in highschool. These were my friends."

I've lived three or four 7-year cycles since then. It no longer matters who I was back then or who my friends were. Maybe I came from Mt. Olympus or another planet for all it matters.

Look at that box over there: I saved cards and letters because I thought maybe someday I'll be famous, but I can see clearly now that not every word I've written is worth publishing. So, here I go right now to dump another box of crap I've been saving for over 25 years. I'ts about time!

A Simple Life

The warrior-goddess lives a simple, unencumbered life. In order to conserve energy it is necessary to live a simple life without excessive attachment to material objects. If one is too attached, she becomes imprisoned by the continual financial and physical maintenance of the objects and the maintenance of her identity in the objects.

When these things become chains that bind her, she is no longer free. She cannot follow the call of her heart (and perhaps leave a job that is soul-deadening) because every waking hour is devoted to the maintenance of the objects and paying the bills in order to continue financing them.

Ask yourself, who would you be without your comfortable home, your car, your possessions? If the thought of "losing everything" frightens you, then you are a prisoner. Your warden is the fear and the guards are the objects.