It's been a month since I last posted and I've learned a lot over the course of a month, not to mention traveled a bit. I'm learning about loneliness. I'm observing how I struggle endlessly with my own cravings. I'm learning about frustration by observing it in myself.
I told myself I wanted something different and I was determined to be disciplined and not run away from my fears. My mind is so tricky though. I say, "Move toward what scares you most," but the mind is tricky, and I'm not always sure I'm moving toward what scares me most, or distracting myself with red herrings.
So I'm trying a different tact. Instead of telling myself to move toward what scares me most, I say, "Do what you've never done before."
With this in mind, I began to open up to new opportunities that presented themselves. One was to attend Zen meditation on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. I've decided to commit myself to this practice and see where it will lead me. It's different than anything I've done before.
Of course, I've meditated and I know a few things about Buddhism. But truly committing myself to sitting and completely emptying out is different than using it as anxiety control, then going back to my addictive mental chattering.
My mind is still chattering, but now I've committed myself to not following through on its manipulative schemes.... as much as I would love to. I've made a public vow here, so we'll see if I can walk the walk and not just talk.
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Monkey mind is always chattering. That's it's job. Just like your heart's job is to pump blood, your lungs' job are to breathe air in and out, and it's your brain's job to think. Just let it think, but ignore it. Don't get involved in the stories. When you find yourself caught up in the thinking just say "Oh, there I am, caught up in the story." Then move your focus to your breath. Even a "good" meditation still has thinking in it. The value of the meditation is that you realize you're always thinking but you don't have to take any of the thoughts seriously. You begin to be able to go through the day without getting into your stories. Of course the other side of it is that the mind does indeed become quieter as you pay less attention. That's when the real thinking begins, when you've opened up the path for thoughts and ideas from the Divine to filter through all your monkey-mind thinking. Love, your mother, Artemis
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