Into the Fire

I knew that when I returned to Denver, that's when I would have to do the really difficult work of transformation. Now I can feel myself standing at the edge of the abyss, ready to fall, ready to die (that's ego death, not physical death), and I am terrified.

And yet, how can I run away from it? I don't think I have any escape routes left. I know that I am entering an initiatory process.

The zen instructor told me to empty myself out completely. Isn't this what I've been asking for? I asked to be transformed on November 27th. I've been actively trying to change my life for the past year. I keep saying I want to have an initiatory experience. I said I wished I had a don Juan (Carlos Castaneda's teacher) who would come into my life and tell me what to do to become free. Well, I got what I asked for. His name is Doshin.

But now that I'm facing it for real, I'm terrified. I can see that I've moved really deeply into my shadows, but I've been dancing around the edge of the abyss, doing everything I can to look away, distract myself, and avoid it. I'm not sure I can any longer.

I have to strip away everything -- my defenses, my masks -- and then when I have completely exposed myself -- all my shame, all my self-hatred, all my craziness -- and my ego dies, then I'll be free because there won't be anything left to fear. The worst will have all ready happened.

If you think I'm crazy, needy, self-absorbed, narcissistic, neurotic -- I'm all those things -- but the only way I can truly transcend all this crap that constantly sabotages me is to go completely into it. Dive into the abyss, burn in the fire, and be done with it once and for all.