That seems to be the word for the day... and how important it is. Can you imagine a warrior-goddess who wasn't disciplined? I can't.
There are so many different forms of discipline and I think we could benefit from learning as many of them as possible. Although the other side of discipline to consider is that it requires focus. I would even say that's part of the definition. Being undisciplined means being scattered and fragmented, lacking focus and integrity.
You have to know what's important to you and stick with it on a daily basis. That's part of what blogging is about. So today, I'm thinking about whether or not I have the right kind and right amount of discipline in my life.
Discipline is also about structure. It provides boundaries which at the same time, creates true freedom because the choices we make about our discipline and structure are made consciously. Unconsciousness is slavery, not freedom.
One of the things I do is keep a journal and a daily task list. The difficult part is making sure I accomplish all the tasks on my list. It looks like I started with 16 items on my list and I've managed to complete 7 by 1:00pm, along with some reading this morning, and eating lunch. 9 to go!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Into the Fire
I knew that when I returned to Denver, that's when I would have to do the really difficult work of transformation. Now I can feel myself standing at the edge of the abyss, ready to fall, ready to die (that's ego death, not physical death), and I am terrified.
And yet, how can I run away from it? I don't think I have any escape routes left. I know that I am entering an initiatory process.
The zen instructor told me to empty myself out completely. Isn't this what I've been asking for? I asked to be transformed on November 27th. I've been actively trying to change my life for the past year. I keep saying I want to have an initiatory experience. I said I wished I had a don Juan (Carlos Castaneda's teacher) who would come into my life and tell me what to do to become free. Well, I got what I asked for. His name is Doshin.
But now that I'm facing it for real, I'm terrified. I can see that I've moved really deeply into my shadows, but I've been dancing around the edge of the abyss, doing everything I can to look away, distract myself, and avoid it. I'm not sure I can any longer.
I have to strip away everything -- my defenses, my masks -- and then when I have completely exposed myself -- all my shame, all my self-hatred, all my craziness -- and my ego dies, then I'll be free because there won't be anything left to fear. The worst will have all ready happened.
If you think I'm crazy, needy, self-absorbed, narcissistic, neurotic -- I'm all those things -- but the only way I can truly transcend all this crap that constantly sabotages me is to go completely into it. Dive into the abyss, burn in the fire, and be done with it once and for all.
And yet, how can I run away from it? I don't think I have any escape routes left. I know that I am entering an initiatory process.
The zen instructor told me to empty myself out completely. Isn't this what I've been asking for? I asked to be transformed on November 27th. I've been actively trying to change my life for the past year. I keep saying I want to have an initiatory experience. I said I wished I had a don Juan (Carlos Castaneda's teacher) who would come into my life and tell me what to do to become free. Well, I got what I asked for. His name is Doshin.
But now that I'm facing it for real, I'm terrified. I can see that I've moved really deeply into my shadows, but I've been dancing around the edge of the abyss, doing everything I can to look away, distract myself, and avoid it. I'm not sure I can any longer.
I have to strip away everything -- my defenses, my masks -- and then when I have completely exposed myself -- all my shame, all my self-hatred, all my craziness -- and my ego dies, then I'll be free because there won't be anything left to fear. The worst will have all ready happened.
If you think I'm crazy, needy, self-absorbed, narcissistic, neurotic -- I'm all those things -- but the only way I can truly transcend all this crap that constantly sabotages me is to go completely into it. Dive into the abyss, burn in the fire, and be done with it once and for all.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
What I'm Learning
It's been a month since I last posted and I've learned a lot over the course of a month, not to mention traveled a bit. I'm learning about loneliness. I'm observing how I struggle endlessly with my own cravings. I'm learning about frustration by observing it in myself.
I told myself I wanted something different and I was determined to be disciplined and not run away from my fears. My mind is so tricky though. I say, "Move toward what scares you most," but the mind is tricky, and I'm not always sure I'm moving toward what scares me most, or distracting myself with red herrings.
So I'm trying a different tact. Instead of telling myself to move toward what scares me most, I say, "Do what you've never done before."
With this in mind, I began to open up to new opportunities that presented themselves. One was to attend Zen meditation on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. I've decided to commit myself to this practice and see where it will lead me. It's different than anything I've done before.
Of course, I've meditated and I know a few things about Buddhism. But truly committing myself to sitting and completely emptying out is different than using it as anxiety control, then going back to my addictive mental chattering.
My mind is still chattering, but now I've committed myself to not following through on its manipulative schemes.... as much as I would love to. I've made a public vow here, so we'll see if I can walk the walk and not just talk.
I told myself I wanted something different and I was determined to be disciplined and not run away from my fears. My mind is so tricky though. I say, "Move toward what scares you most," but the mind is tricky, and I'm not always sure I'm moving toward what scares me most, or distracting myself with red herrings.
So I'm trying a different tact. Instead of telling myself to move toward what scares me most, I say, "Do what you've never done before."
With this in mind, I began to open up to new opportunities that presented themselves. One was to attend Zen meditation on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. I've decided to commit myself to this practice and see where it will lead me. It's different than anything I've done before.
Of course, I've meditated and I know a few things about Buddhism. But truly committing myself to sitting and completely emptying out is different than using it as anxiety control, then going back to my addictive mental chattering.
My mind is still chattering, but now I've committed myself to not following through on its manipulative schemes.... as much as I would love to. I've made a public vow here, so we'll see if I can walk the walk and not just talk.
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