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January

Getting Triggered

Today I got triggered while eating breakfast at Annie's on Colfax with my friend Susan.  It caught me completely off-guard.  There we were having a perfectly gentile conversation about empathy, and I mentioned that I have difficulty getting into empathetic rapport when I don't agree with someone or I feel defensive.  She had offered to take me out that morning and help me design a workshop on "Giving Empathy When You Don't Agree."  I had suggested the topic because I noticed myself getting "triggered" and defensive when someone was speaking and I didn't agree with what they were saying.

In the midst of the conversation, she asked me about feedback forms.  The subject came up because I knew I would need to request feedback forms from the participants as part of the requirements for accreditation as a facilitator of compassionate communication from the Rocky Mountain Compassionate Communication Network.  I said, "I hate feedback forms.  I hate filling them out and I hate receiving them."

As she continued to engage me on the topic, I became more and more defensive.  I could feel the anger arising in me.  Finally I said, "I've been teaching workshops for 10 years and I've had a lot of time to think about this subject so it's not likely I'm going to change my mind.  I mean, if you really wanted to take the time to try and convince me otherwise, you could try, but I'm probably not going to change my mind."

She said, "I'm not trying to convince you of anything.  I was just sharing with you my own feeling about feedback and how meaningful it is to me."

Suddenly I realized that the very thing we'd come to discuss -- Giving Empathy When You Don't Agree -- and the problem I'd been struggling with had come up in the middle of our conversation.  I shook my head to snap myself out of it.  It was almost like being briefly possessed by some guacamole-spitting demon.

Wow!  I started laughing when I realized what had just happened.  I didn't agree with her about feedback forms and I'd gotten triggered and defensive so quickly that it took over before I even knew what was happening!

Well, just goes to show, even those with an earnest desire for transformation can get way-laid when the amygdala kicks in and floods the brain with cortisol.  I still don't completely understand why I got so triggered, but at least I was able to acknowledge it after the fact.  In time, maybe I'll be able to head it off at the pass.

11/22/63 by Stephen King

Okay, so as a writer of literary fiction, I’m supposed to be an intellectual snob and turn my nose us at commercial writers like Stephen King, but the truth is, one of my all-time favorite novels is The Stand.

Recently I ran into a friend at the post office. Last time I saw her was at the Lighthouse Writer’s Workshop Christmas Party. She confessed that she had just finished reading 11/22/63 by Stephen King and couldn’t put it down. She offered to loan it to me, but later that evening I was at Barnes & Noble and couldn’t resist (I’m a total book addict). I bought a copy of 11/22/63.

11/22/63 by Stephen King is a novel about a time traveler who attempts to prevent the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, which occurred on November 22, 1963 (the novel’s titular date).

That weekend I went out of town for a few days. I’ve been going on writer-camping trips in order to finish my own novel, A Siren’s Lament. I started reading 11/22/63 and couldn’t put it down! When Stephen King is good, he’s phenomenal. I want to figure out what it is he does that makes some of his books impossible to stop reading.

Do you love Stephen King novels?  What do you think he does that makes him a good writer?  Please post a comment.

If you’d like to learn how to write like Stephen King, check out my Monday Night Writers Workshop or any of my other writers workshop and sign up today!

 

Two weeks ago I began a course in The Artist's Way at Colorado Free University. The Artist's Way is a 12-week program designed to help artists get unblocked. One of the first realizations that came to me was that we need to begin with what we love. In other words, we need to follow our bliss. I took a look at the different things I was doing as part of my career as a self-employed writer, teacher, and entrepreneur. I discovered there are some things I'm extremely passionate about. My greatest passions are writing, teaching, compassionate communication, and helping people fulfill their dreams. Some of the other activities were more about making money, and although I don't intend to eliminate them from my repertoire, I decided not to put more of my energy in those directions. I will focus more of my resources toward the activities I truly love. This led me to an idea for combining compassionate communication with creativity. In compassionate communication, a language process developed by Marshall Rosenberg in his book Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Life, there is a very specific way that we begin to think and communication with ourselves and with other. The basic process is: Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests. We learn to make observations without judgements or evaluations. "Just the facts." We learn a vocabulary for identifying and expressing feelings. We learn a vocabulary for our needs. And then we learn how to make requests. Through this process, we can communicate more authentically and therefore be more true to ourselves.